The rules 1.0

May 15, 2007

— Updated November 3, 2009

There is a problem in America. That problem is, of course, people wearing bandanas when they shouldn’t be and looking like douche bags.

So to help, we have set up the following rules so people can learn when the appropriate times are, and what the appropriate conditions are, to wear a bandana.

  1. To be immediately considered for approval to wear a bandana you must be one or more of the following:
    1. A pirate
    2. A motorcycle gang member or you own a motorcycle and have killed a man
    3. A woman
    4. A child under the age of 8
    5. A cancer patient
    6. A person not of Caucasian descent
    7. An actual cowboy
    8. A train conductor
    9. A homosexual
    10. A tattoo artist
    11. A construction worker who deals with heavy objects
      12. OR
    12. If one of the exceptions described in Sec. II is applicable to you
  2. Exceptions will be made if you can answer "yes" to one or more of the following:
    1. If you are in a life threatening situation
    2. If you have ever cut off one of your own limbs to survive
    3. If you have a scar across one or more eyes
    4. If you have won the strongest man competition
    5. If you have won the iron man competition
    6. If you have wrestled an adult:
      1. bear (Panda and Koala not included)
      2. alligator
      3. crocodile
      4. shark (over 5ft)
      5. tiger
      6. wolf
      7. wolverine
      8. lion
      9. leopard
    7. If you have been raised by wolves
    8. If you have been in more than one sword fights and have been wounded
    9. If you have walked on the moon
    10. If you have thrown a man though a window at a bar or saloon
    11. If you have won an Olympic medal (specific events under investigation)
    12. If you work in heat in excess of 100 degrees and it is used to keep sweat out of your eyes (user submitted)
    13. If you wear it on your face because you are a crazy radical or a vigilante (user submitted)
  3. If you are approved from Sec. I or II you can skip this section and go on to wearing your bandana. If not, and you are still planning on wearing a bandana you must follow the items below:
    1. No manicured facial hair
    2. No wife beater shirts
    3. No "designer" sunglasses
    4. No jewelry except rings
    5. You cannot be in a fraternity
    6. Collar cannot be "popped"
    7. No sandals
    8. You cannot be in a boy band
    9. No shorts
    10. You cannot tan or have a consistent tan
    11. You cannot coordinate it with your outfit
    12. You cannot coordinate it with your pet's bandana
    13. You cannot wear the color pink
    14. You cannot wear it underneath a hat
    15. You cannot wear it on your arm
    16. You cannot wear it while engaged in any activity that does not involve sweat unless stated in Sec. II

Be sure to leave a comment with additions/corrections/critics. Thanks.

Special thanks to Heather Hickerson for her input in developing these life changing rules.

— Shawn Dryden

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Comment

  1. HAHA! YAY! This is fantastic. I showed my brother and he approves. We laughed heartily. Also, I bet you never knew my middle name was “awesome!” I noticed in the email that certain members of the office did not receive this website address and I again laughed heartily. Love to all!

    — Stephanie "awesome!" Gorges · Friday May 18, 2007 · #

  2. YOU’RE a douche bag! Kidding I love you

    — Mindy · Monday May 21, 2007 · #

  3. America needs to know about this site… period.

    — Justin Hornbaker · Thursday June 14, 2007 · #

  4. i wear it under a hard hat cause it 110 in phoenix and it keeps the sweat out of my eyes

    — Fred · Wednesday June 20, 2007 · #

  5. Thank you for your real life addition. I think it has a good chance of making the list.

    — Shawn Dryden · Wednesday June 20, 2007 · #

  6. How did you update the site on July 26 if it’s only July 3 in real life? Hmm?

    — Stephanie "supersexy" Gorges · Monday July 2, 2007 · #

  7. It was from when I went into the future last week. Long story. I fixed it so as not to confuse anyone.

    — Shawn Dryden · Tuesday July 3, 2007 · #

  8. What about this douche bag?

    bretrockopedia.jpg

    Does he get a free pass because he’s a has-been rock god or should he be slapped silly because he’s obviously hiding his male patterned baldness and probably a weave?

    — Linda · Thursday July 5, 2007 · #

  9. I think it’s obvious looking at that picture what the answer is.

    I also should point out that being in an 80’s hair band should negate your rock god status.

    — Shawn Dryden · Thursday July 5, 2007 · #

  10. So say I have an uncle that has a scar over his left eye and he doesn’t wear a bandana, and sometimes I get this weird eye twitch thing which isn’t in the list; so do these two things qualify? Please holla at me ASAP im going to a My Chemical Romance show this weekend and I want to get this sweet bandana. Thanks guyz you rock my socks or bandana lol

    — FrAnKiE · Wednesday August 6, 2008 · #

  11. Hey what about grandma? My grandma always wore her bandana over her curls when she was getting her “hair did”. lol

    — Vic · Saturday April 18, 2009 · #

  12. Nice posts there – thank’s for the interesting information.

    — Oleg · Wednesday September 30, 2009 · #

  13. What if you are a radical who is protesting and are trying to hide your identity and/or likely to get gassed by riot cops? Alternatively, what if you are out writing graffiti and want to keep your identity hidden from CCTV cameras and not inhale tons of paint fumes? What about that, huh? =P

    — Tony · Saturday October 3, 2009 · #

  14. First, I’d like to say as co-author of these bandana rules, I’m a little disheartened that my bromate Shawn Dryden didn’t see fit to credit me along with himself. Le sigh

    Secondly, I think some of these commentators are missing the spirit of the bandana rules. You see, if there is a hint of douchebaggery in an individual, he/she is not allowed to don the bandana. If there is a question, err on the side of no, he/she should not wear it. However, if an individual possesses elaborate coolness and brute toughness, then yes, he/she is allowed to wear the bandana of his/her choice. For instance, the hipster in the corner of a crowded house party strumming his guitar to get chicks is NOT allowed to wear the bandana. On the other hand, your grandpa who sniped some Nazi’s is allowed to rock the hell out of a bandana.

    — Heather · Tuesday November 3, 2009 · #

  15. Just clarify some questions.

    Vic: All women are allowed to wear bandanas, especially grandmas.

    Tony: I think that is fine. Wearing a bandana on your mouth to protect breathing or because you are a crazy radical is perfectly acceptable.

    Heather: I’m sorry about the lack of credit. I have added a note to the bottom in thanks even though I did most of the work and now that you see what a huge success this is you want a piece :)

    — Shawn Dryden · Tuesday November 3, 2009 · #

  16. Granted, you did do most of the work. But if I recall correctly, it was a hilarious anecdotal story I told one uneventful afternoon in UnivPub that led to our creating rules for bandana wearing in the first place. So you could say that if it weren’t for me, this successful website wouldn’t even exist. In fact, I’ll go ahead and say that. Oh, and thanks for the recognition, sir.

    — Heather · Tuesday November 3, 2009 · #

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